There’s a Facebook post currently circulating that’s been shared nearly 50,000 times. It’s about choosing your partner, but it’s not what you think. The post is not how to choose your partner on Tinder or at a bar, but is about continuously, consciously re-choosing your current and existing partner.
Why does this resonate with so many people?
Perhaps it’s popular because so many of us realize that we’ve defaulted to negative or fantasy thinking after the honeymoon stage is over. Once our rose-colored glasses change back to clear, we begin to see our partner’s faults. Often, our partner’s faults are all we see and we forget about the things that made us fall in love with them in the first place.
At that point some of us conjure up a fictional faultless character, and it’s that very thought that damages the relationship, not whether we actually choose to go find that fictional person or not.
One of the couples that shared their wisdom for Global Glue Project, features Tommy Rosen and Kia Miller. They lead yoga workshops and Tommy works with addiction. They know about working with the mind. In this wisdom filled two-minute clip, they talk about the need to continuously and consciously choose your partner. They say our mind acts as a computer and that however we program that computer from moment-to-moment will determine the way we think and feel. The key for them is remembering to see each other as a whole being versus focusing on the negative. Negative thinking can lead any relationship to drift apart.
The idea of choice brings a sense of freedom to the relationship. Both parties are in control and in the relationship because they choose to be, not because they are forced to be.
Another freedom unfolds when we understand that there is no “one.” As Dan Savage (nationally syndicated sex advice columnist) often says, the perfect one doesn’t exist; there are many ‘point somethings’ who we choose to round up to the one. His view is that we choose someone whose .75 aligns with our idea of the one and we then accept the remaining .25 that does not fit our idea of a perfect soulmate.
We choose a set of faults and quirks and insecurities; or we choose to leave them. Choosing a mate is about choosing a set of flaws that we are willing to work with. Change your mate and you simply change your set of flaws. So choose.
Here is the original post:
Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)
I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.
Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.
I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.
Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.
Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.
Facebook post Written by Bryan Reeves