“It’s Always We”: Doing What You Love With Who You Love

Falling in love can be like skiing down an unfamiliar mountain- it happens quickly, things move really fast, and while you feel like you have some control, you don’t know what bumps you’ll hit or jumps you’ll have to make, or what really lies in wait for you at the bottom. That’s what is thrilling about it. For some people though, falling in love is about learning to ski- and here the metaphor becomes real, and becomes a lesson.

Global Glue couple Helen & Nick have been married 42 years, and when they got married, Nick was not a skier. Helen was, and not just casually. She loved it. Now, for some people, that is a barrier. It isn’t a barrier that keeps people apart, but it can be a barrier that keeps people who are together from getting even closer. You know this from your own experiences and those of your friends, most likely.

A couple falls in love. She loves watching basketball, and he doesn’t. At first it is a source of fun contention- “you don’t understand this amazing athleticism” vs. “have they gotten to all the exciting timeouts yet?”. As time goes by, her love for it doesn’t diminish, but it is a bit colder, because it becomes something that keeps them apart. He is in a different room when the game is on, or there is low-level sniping about what they are going to watch that night. It isn’t for the most part something that leads to separation (unless it is just the focal point of much bigger issues), but her passion for something is sadly shadowed, and meanwhile she has a world in which he isn’t a part. It is hard.

Doing What Your Love, Together

What couples have to do is that doing what you love can be done together. That’s what Nick did. He learned to ski, because Helen loved it (he even broke his leg and kept at it, such was his commitment to her). Not everything has to be done together, of course. You don’t have to join all the same book clubs. The point is to make an honest effort to recognize the validity of each other’s passions, and try to understand how you can fit in and encourage them. Maybe you won’t be skydiving with your love, but you can be there on the ground with a bottle of something bubbly.

This is all about creating the “we”, as Helen explains. “We get out of the house, and do something- it doesn’t matter what, but it’s always ‘we’”. That is what couple need to learn how to do: to always make an effort to be a “we”, while recognizing that you are unique individuals. Respecting that is the best way to survive the mountain.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>